It’s summertime, and that means movies. Good movies, bad movies, really bad movies, and Michael Bay movies. Here are some Five-Star thoughts on some of this summer’s Five-Star movies!
Thor – 5 Stars! Out of 80.
- Nice try. They should have checked if anyone liked Thor first if they’re going to bank on it. Spoiler alert: Thor sucks.
Bridesmaids – 5 Stars! Out of 49 ½.
- Funny set pieces and performances in a typically nonsensical average piece of shit. It’s nice to see women FINALLY starring in funny, average films. You go, girls!
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides – 5 Stars! Out of a fucking million.
- This defines unnecessary. Johnny ”Punch me in the Face” Depp might be the most overrated actor to ever walk the Earth. If he’s so talented, why does he insist on making horrifying pieces of flaming poo?
The Hangover 2 – 5 Stars! Out of 65.
- “Hey, you guys want a ten-fold raise to hang out with your buddies somewhere tropical?”
Kung-Fu Panda 2 – 5 Stars! Out of 50.
- Unless you have kids, pull an ING on this movie and save your money.
X-Men: First Class – 5 Stars! Out of 35.
- The only property that isn’t getting a reboot is Reboot.
Super 8 – 5 Stars! Out of 31!
- Stand by Cloverfield, the Extra Terrestrial.
Green Lantern – 5 Stars! Out of 18,000.
- Like Thor, it features a character nobody cares about who is additionally saddled with having 95% of his body covered by the least aesthetically pleasing CGI this side of Mega Python vs. Gatoroid.
Mr. Popper’s Penguins – 5 Stars! Out of 106.
- Mr. Carrey has given up on that Oscar thing and is content to make the movies that Cuba Gooding Jr. declines.
Bad Teacher – 5 Stars! Out of 70.
- I dislike the New York Yankees so much that I can’t watch a movie starring anyone who has had sex with one of them. Sorry Cameron Diaz, Madonna, and Vin Diesel.
Cars 2 – 5 Stars! Out of 44.
- At Pixar, everything makes sense. Cars, toys, bugs, and monsters talk, and robots shut up and do what they’re told.
Transformers: Dark of the Moon – 5 Stars! Out of the number of stars in existence.
- Anyone who’s ever been mooned before can attest that the title of this movie is designed to make you think of a person’s asshole. Which is where Michael Bay can stick his shitty robut movie, of course.
Zookeeper – 5 Stars! Out of 250.
- Fatty chase antelope, Fatty fall down; laugh at fatty. Fatty hit in groin by monkey, Fatty fall down; laugh at Fatty. Lather, rinse, repeat. Add 42 fart sounds in editing.
Fun fact: 3 fart sounds is what a sound editor receives from Satan, Father of Lies, in return for his soul. At this exchange rate, we can safely assume that The Zookeeper, in addition to its estimated $90 million budget, cost the eternal souls of 14 dedicated boom operators, foley artists, and dialogue editors.
Summer 2011 Five-Star Movie Reviews Part 2 coming in July!
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